The Quest for Fulfilment

Please feel free to comment on this post.  I am not depressed - just stuck.  In all honesty when people turn a blind eye it exacerbates my insecurities and inadequacies.  Many people have read this post yet I have received little in the way of response.  I am already feeling in a more positive frame of mind since writing it so don't think your words will send me over the edge.  I enjoy feedback.  It helps me to put things into perspective.

This is a long post.  If you are feeling down I advise you not to read on, unless you are curious - and then of course you will...........

I have been searching for 'something' for so long now that I don't even know what I am seeking.  I am restless, dissatisfied and feel like a pressure cooker about to explode!  The only time I feel content is when I am making something but afterwards I come crashing down as I know it could have been time spent doing something around the house and the guilt sets in.  After all my husband is the wage earner and I, by default, am the housekeeper. It is not what I signed up for.  I know that to be the sole breadwinner is not what he signed up for either.  I try to do my bit.  I have supported and encouraged him with his studies and some years ago he retrained to become a school teacher.  He doesn't say anything to me but I feel that he regrets his decision.  I know he would swap places with me any day.

Since I have been a stay at home Mum for almost 18 years I have lost myself.  Soon my son will be off at Uni or work and I feel as though I need to reinvent myself again.  I don't know who I am, what I am here for or what my next move should be.  I cry often.  My son tells me to have some self respect and get a job.  I know he doesn't mean it unkindly but he knows that I want to be financially independent once more.

With regards to the job interview I had 2 weeks ago, the person who got it had a 'background in stage make up that was hard to beat.'  Had I known that a knowledge of stage make up was a pre-requisite of the job, I wouldn't have applied.  The job was advertised as customer services assistant responsible for printing off invoices and picking and packing goods  - that happened to be stage make up.  The job was part time and minimum wage and had I got the job (and was paying rent) it wouldn't have even covered that expense.  To look on the funny side of things the location was pretty dismal, on an industrial estate working alone with an eccentric looking boss in the unit next door.  The room I was to work in had shelves full of make up and wigs, electric wires trailing the floor and no windows.  With hindsight, I would have hated that environment so I had a lucky escape.

Back to the drawing board, where on earth do I start in trying to gain employment that pays the 'living' wage?  There is no point in working for hours that pays a pittance although I am aware that many people do just this.

I have tried so many on line 'personality' tests and quizzes to find out what jobs are suitable for me  but really the results are inconclusive.  I have tried to find out more about Vedic astrology (a zodiac of constellations) which is much more in depth than Western astrology (a zodiac of signs) as a map of my karma.  As I don't know my exact time of birth the results I have interpreted so far give unfavourable predictions which is making me more anxious.  What if my life is futile and whatever I do there is to be no happy ending?  What hope then?

I  have written gratitude lists, I open doors and gates for people (sometimes a whole swathe of people walk through a door I am opening and not one of them will say thank you or take the door from me!), I say thank you by way of a nod or a thumbs up when a car stops for me on a zebra crossing, I let people in front of me in supermarket queues if they only have a few items in their basket, I never take the last biscuit in the tin or on the plate.  If I see a coin on the pavement  I don't pick it up - I leave it for someone else to have the joy in finding it.  I make sacrifices.  I make lots of sacrifices daily.  I don't know what else to do.

I am not writing all this for people to feel sorry for me.  I am just saying how it is.  I try to be the best I can be with limited resources.  How many more years do I have to keep on giving out and giving up before it is my time to shine, before it is my time to reap some good fortune?

Today I walked into town to Lidl to get the shopping.  I have been walking there twice a week in an attempt to reduce the cost of food bills.  I had a list of what I needed to buy.  I then proceeded to place some rolls of pretty sticky tape and a box of decorative clip on birds in my basket.  I didn't 'need' them at all but I wanted them.  I just wanted them for me.  That is me being selfish at its worst - all £4.97of it.