Finding a Pathway

Nineteen years ago I became a Mum.  I was reluctant with this new found status but decided there and then that I would be the best Mum I could be.  My son was breech so I was forced to have a planned caesarean section.  I even got to choose if I wanted my son born on a Wednesday or the Thursday!  I have always felt like a 'plastic' Mum as I never got to experience childbirth.  After my operation, and being wired up to various drips I remember my helplessness at not being able to reach the crying baby in the cot next to me.  After 6 days in the hospital I was 'let' home.  There was no welcome home party or instruction book.  I suppose at 35 you're expected to know what to do.

The first couple of years were hard.  I tried to keep my post natal depression under wraps.  I did some research and found out the name of an anti depressant I could take that wouldn't be addictive. In the mean time I took various Bach Flower Remedies to alleviate my mood.  To say I lost myself for a couple of years is an understatement.

As my son grew older I gradually had more time for myself.  I began to take up various creative pursuits and in 2008 started this blog.  Writing the blog was my saviour.  In order to have something to write about I had to 'do' something worth writing about.  The fun part was then taking photos and putting a blog post together.

Last year I knew that my life was going to go through a big change again with my son leaving home to go to University.  I wondered what would become of me now I no longer had to be the stay at home Mum.  I had saved up some money and went in secret to see a life coach in the hope that she could put me on a new pathway.  It turned out to be more of a counselling session as I wept at no longer knowing who I was anymore.  She gave me some constructive advice but really it was just affirmations to me of what I already knew.  She said to create a mood board of anything I liked the look of and just keep adding to it, taking images from magazine or words of inspiration etc.  I think she believed in the power of attraction and that by putting up images of what you liked those things would come to you.  In speaking to her I realised that I wanted to have a 'good enough' job so that I could bring in an income.  I left her house feeling that I had a plan to move forward and that I would focus on getting a job.  Without money life pretty much comes to a standstill.

Within 6 months I had a job.  Six months on - I have a new streamlined physique and a positive frame of mind.  I can understand why there are so many books, magazines, blogs and websites about mindfulness now.  The mind is SO powerful.

To return to the beginning of this post - for nineteen years I feel like I was lost in a forest.  I was being Mum (not so much of a wife, if I am honest) but I had lost all sense of who I was at the core.  Each day I would start out in the forest, going around and around in circles or going over places I had already been desperately searching for me.  Once I stopped and stood still and let go trying to find myself anymore, things started to reveal themselves to me.

My pathway has been as follows:

• Get into the correct mindset (without this I wouldn't have had the confidence to apply for a job)
• Get a job (a 'good enough' one)
• Start to eat a healthier diet (for me, 3 meals a day, plant based diet, no snacking) 
• Self care and nurturing (Epsom salt baths and body pampering)
• Exercise (daily walking to work and VIPR fitness lesson once a week) 

I still need to make time for my hobbies and crafts but at the moment my 'hobby' is very much about personal development.

I hope that my story will give hope to anyone stuck in a rut.  Decide what you want from your life and then make small steps towards achieving it and above all be your own best friend.

*picture above from issue 8 of Breathe magazine

Camouflage and Personality Traits

Following on from my last post, I went for a walk on Friday with my camera to take photos of things that drew me to them. To be honest I struggled to find much to interest or 'excite' me but I did find an unusual tree bark that resembled army camouflage.

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On Sunday I thought I would use a new sketch book to do some 'art journaling'.  All great works of art start from a blank page but not in this case!  In the tradition of many art journalers I 'got some colour down' on to the page lest I have a blank page looking up at me - and immediately wanted to cry!  I had ruined the page!  A beautiful, pristine book now marred by some thoughtless act of just doing rather than procrastinating about everything.  I don't even know what my intention is for the book.  Even if it is for my eyes only I want to be proud of it.  I am beginning to feel that everything I touch is destroyed and my life seems to be a metaphor for that. 

Just had an idea - I could journal the words in the paragraph above and add them to the 'ruined' page.  At least I could put to memory how I felt at the time.

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I usually feel quite upbeat on a Monday but today I feel as though I am at a crossroads again and not knowing which path to take.  I feel that all the confidence I have been trying to build up over the years, and all the life lessons I have learned have all been a charade.  The ugly 'real me' did reveal itself at a meeting last week; petulant, angry, pedantic.  How the hell will I ever be employable?  (That was rhetorical by the way!)  Reviewing my behaviour, I think I was deliberately stirring things up a bit.  Some people didn't contribute one word to the meeting and it would have been oh so boring had it continued in that vein.  I like to think I was giving people things to think about rather than just showing up but not participating.

This week is totally unscheduled.  Who knows what mischief I may get up to?  I hope I manage to rein it in a bit!

Have a naughty but nice week!