Self Observation

I am one of life's observers.  I don't interact much and feel more comfortable being the supporting act rather than the star.  I have worried for years about lacking ambition and when I was employed I had no desire to move up the ranks and was happy to stay put.  I feel that my lack of ambition has been viewed negatively by past employers and colleagues who only see promotion as a benchmark of progress/success in work.

Trying to make sense of myself and how others perceive me, I took a Myers-Briggs personality test.  My personality indicator came out as ISFJ which is introversion, sensing, feeling, judging.  I think the test accurately describes me. EDITED 21 June 2016 . I was incorrect with the test.  After redoing the test and finding a report on when I had done it previously, I am a INFP personality type and this one DEFINITELY describes me!!!

I have recently found out that I was born under a balsamic moon and that cancer was in my mid heaven at the time of my birth.

In western astrology I have: sun in Aries, rising sign Libra, Moon in Pisces

In vedic (jyotish) astrology: sun in Pisces, rising sign Virgo, Moon in Aquarius

I don't know if it is helpful (as yet) to collate all this (useless?) information about myself.   I do know that I want grounding though and if putting myself in various labelled boxes helps me to do this it will all be worthwhile.

Camouflage and Personality Traits

Following on from my last post, I went for a walk on Friday with my camera to take photos of things that drew me to them. To be honest I struggled to find much to interest or 'excite' me but I did find an unusual tree bark that resembled army camouflage.

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On Sunday I thought I would use a new sketch book to do some 'art journaling'.  All great works of art start from a blank page but not in this case!  In the tradition of many art journalers I 'got some colour down' on to the page lest I have a blank page looking up at me - and immediately wanted to cry!  I had ruined the page!  A beautiful, pristine book now marred by some thoughtless act of just doing rather than procrastinating about everything.  I don't even know what my intention is for the book.  Even if it is for my eyes only I want to be proud of it.  I am beginning to feel that everything I touch is destroyed and my life seems to be a metaphor for that. 

Just had an idea - I could journal the words in the paragraph above and add them to the 'ruined' page.  At least I could put to memory how I felt at the time.

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I usually feel quite upbeat on a Monday but today I feel as though I am at a crossroads again and not knowing which path to take.  I feel that all the confidence I have been trying to build up over the years, and all the life lessons I have learned have all been a charade.  The ugly 'real me' did reveal itself at a meeting last week; petulant, angry, pedantic.  How the hell will I ever be employable?  (That was rhetorical by the way!)  Reviewing my behaviour, I think I was deliberately stirring things up a bit.  Some people didn't contribute one word to the meeting and it would have been oh so boring had it continued in that vein.  I like to think I was giving people things to think about rather than just showing up but not participating.

This week is totally unscheduled.  Who knows what mischief I may get up to?  I hope I manage to rein it in a bit!

Have a naughty but nice week!