After the prolonged heatwave the temperature dropped drastically and I caught a cold. After weeks of inactivity due to the heat I am now unproductive because of not feeling 100%. I am delighted at the cooler weather but disappointed in myself for not having the wherewithal to do anything.
Another summer going by in a flash without having a holiday. Nothing to get up for. Nothing to wash my hair for. I know I am piling it on a bit here and know that my feeling unwell is making my mood feel considerably lower than normal.
What worries me most of all is that life is passing me by without me getting anything done. There always seems to be an excuse: not enough funds, not in the mood, lack of confidence. when I am thinner, when I know more, when my son leaves home etc;
I need a job (well, I need an income) but am reluctant to work for anyone again. Self employment seems to be the key but doing what? I don't have a business idea and am rapidly losing the inability to make any kind of decisions. I am frozen by choice and then again by no choice.
I try to take an interest in current affairs, I watch a lot of trash T.V, I get out my art materials, splash around with paint for a bit then get annoyed at the mess I have made and put it away again, never quite as neatly as I found it. One week I am all about clean eating and the next it is cast aside for a chocolate covered Oreo bar. Vintage ephemera excites me one week and that is followed by clean and simple modern designs. I am full of contradictions.
My OH said that I like to put things in boxes (metaphorically) and I think that is true. I get frustrated that I don't know who I am after 55 years. I don't know if I am having a mid-life crisis but I suspect that I have always felt this way.
Next time you read here, hopefully my cold would have receded and I will have something more hopeful to write about. Off now to find the tissues.
hi simone,, im your carbon copy across the pond,, except im not artist!! but I suffer from exactly the same issues,, we also haven't been on holiday/vacation since 2013 because of funds ...I tried to take a job in a big box store but I couldn't deal with the bullies..in the north eastern part of the US its been raining all summer,, in fact we have an excess of 9 inches..not great for the mood,, it also seems like during the day since everyone is working its just me and animals and the plants,, but since im not going to try to get back into the work place,, I treasure reading your lovely blog,, please keep it up and know you are not allow in your struggles...
ReplyDeleteHi Jen! Thank you for your comment. What animals do you have? :)
DeleteI hope your cold goes away soon Simone and I hope by getting that all out there you'll feel much better for it!
ReplyDeleteHi Vivienne! My cold is definitely magnifying problems. I am sure I will be over it soon.
DeleteI read this post and can apply all of it to myself. I get blue days when I wonder what its all about and can see no reason to do anything. All the kids are gone and there's just Tom and me. Basically we could both lay in bed each and every day and nobody would care, so I understand you mentioning nothing to get up for etc.
ReplyDeleteI haven't got an answer except to say that I usually manage to pull myself together and my needlework is my saviour, although that comes into quesion in my head...'What am I doing this for' etc.
I'm fed up with cooking after years and years of it. If I make cakes I eat them and get indigestion, lol, what a situation isn't it.
Lets hope tomorrow you'll feel different.
Hugs
Briony
x
Hi Briony your needlework is beautiful - certainly something worth getting up for! Thanks for your comment and understanding. I hope that the blues go for you too. x
DeleteHey! I will tell you MY life story and you will feel on top of the world! LOL!
ReplyDeleteJust hang in there and surround yourself with positive people. Hope you feel better now.
Hi Kay. As I am feeling unwell my negative thoughts have been illuminated. I as sure that this despondency won't last.
DeleteOh, Simone I do feel for you. I know exactly what you are going through and I hope that once your cold is over and your health is better you can see a way through. Concentrate on getting well first and look after yourself. We have managed just two nights away from home so far this year thanks to a very kind neighbour looking after dear Max who takes up a lot of our time, we want to do so much around the house in hopes of moving but all seems impossible at the moment what with Max and the political cliamate and worry for what the the future may hold. I'm hoping that you will find that positive thing to lift your spirits soon, Take carex
ReplyDeleteHi Rosie. I am sorry to hear about Max. I know he has been a worry to you for a considerable time. I hope that you able to move forward with organizing the house. I am still waiting on making plans for an extension to be built but I don't think I can handle that right now. Take care of yourself too.x
DeleteGet well soon Simone. Summer colds always seem to be more miserable than winter ones I think but this too shall pass. I think most of us can identify with what you are feeling at times at least. I never did decide what I wanted to be when I grew up and I am retired now and still don't know. It must be lovely to have plans and to know what one wants and where one is going but some of us just have to go with the flow and take life as it comes teasing out of it all the pleasant santosha moments and adding them to our mental scrapbook. Try giving up on trying to decide the answers to all your problems and just allow things to be just as they are for now and give yourself a rest from all the self flagelation just for a while and who knows the answers might just appear on their own. You are not alone as the other comments indicate! Join the club.
ReplyDeleteThanks Jane. I will try to stop the self flagellation!!! I know I am not alone but it often feels that way. x
DeleteI do hope you're feeling better by now, Simone. Being ill makes everything seem worse.
ReplyDeleteSending hugs! xx
Thank you Judy. x
DeleteSimone, I could have written pretty much your entire post myself. I think there are a lot of us fifty somethings feeling the same.
ReplyDelete