Thursday, 11 February 2016

Back to Living a Life

After writing my last blog post I gave myself a good talking to.  A lot of my apathy and resignation to 'my lot' and the hand that life has dealt me, was because I failed to get the job I had recently applied for and had a particularly horrendous experience at the dental surgery again.  Why do dentists want to kill me?!!!  Anyway,  I started to think about what I can do to get some self respect back.  I am sure that the low opinion of myself has a knock on effect in other areas of my life and as long as I imagine that I have the word 'doormat' emblazoned on my front and 'kick' me' on my back, people will continue to wipe their feet on me or lest treat with disregard.

What can I do to get back some self respect?  Well, I have decided that self care is important and I am making healthier choices in my diet.  I am taking care in grooming and presentation and when I feel better (yes, a debilitating and unrelenting cold took hold just after my last pitiful blog post)  I will take a trip to the shops and buy some new clothes with my husband's hard earned cash and get my hair done.  I portray myself like a working woman from London's 17th Century with one outfit to be worn everyday and one outfit for best.  Yes I joke a little but it is not far off from the truth. 

In addition to taking pride in my outward appearance again I am doing some online courses to sharpen my brain.  The courses are free and will only cost my time and effort to do.  They are available by ALISON and can be found by clicking here.  With hundreds of choices from anatomy to art, photoshop to psychology, masonry skills to multimedia, there really is something for everyone.  I have just completed a course in English writing skills and quite fancy the one on colour theory for artists and designers.

In other news, I am still walking to the budget supermarket twice a week.  Today's indulgent purchases there were French biscuits.  The biscuits can be shared between husband and son and the lovely tins are for me!

Thursday, 4 February 2016

The Quest for Fulfilment

Please feel free to comment on this post.  I am not depressed - just stuck.  In all honesty when people turn a blind eye it exacerbates my insecurities and inadequacies.  Many people have read this post yet I have received little in the way of response.  I am already feeling in a more positive frame of mind since writing it so don't think your words will send me over the edge.  I enjoy feedback.  It helps me to put things into perspective.

This is a long post.  If you are feeling down I advise you not to read on, unless you are curious - and then of course you will...........

I have been searching for 'something' for so long now that I don't even know what I am seeking.  I am restless, dissatisfied and feel like a pressure cooker about to explode!  The only time I feel content is when I am making something but afterwards I come crashing down as I know it could have been time spent doing something around the house and the guilt sets in.  After all my husband is the wage earner and I, by default, am the housekeeper. It is not what I signed up for.  I know that to be the sole breadwinner is not what he signed up for either.  I try to do my bit.  I have supported and encouraged him with his studies and some years ago he retrained to become a school teacher.  He doesn't say anything to me but I feel that he regrets his decision.  I know he would swap places with me any day.

Since I have been a stay at home Mum for almost 18 years I have lost myself.  Soon my son will be off at Uni or work and I feel as though I need to reinvent myself again.  I don't know who I am, what I am here for or what my next move should be.  I cry often.  My son tells me to have some self respect and get a job.  I know he doesn't mean it unkindly but he knows that I want to be financially independent once more.

With regards to the job interview I had 2 weeks ago, the person who got it had a 'background in stage make up that was hard to beat.'  Had I known that a knowledge of stage make up was a pre-requisite of the job, I wouldn't have applied.  The job was advertised as customer services assistant responsible for printing off invoices and picking and packing goods  - that happened to be stage make up.  The job was part time and minimum wage and had I got the job (and was paying rent) it wouldn't have even covered that expense.  To look on the funny side of things the location was pretty dismal, on an industrial estate working alone with an eccentric looking boss in the unit next door.  The room I was to work in had shelves full of make up and wigs, electric wires trailing the floor and no windows.  With hindsight, I would have hated that environment so I had a lucky escape.

Back to the drawing board, where on earth do I start in trying to gain employment that pays the 'living' wage?  There is no point in working for hours that pays a pittance although I am aware that many people do just this.

I have tried so many on line 'personality' tests and quizzes to find out what jobs are suitable for me  but really the results are inconclusive.  I have tried to find out more about Vedic astrology (a zodiac of constellations) which is much more in depth than Western astrology (a zodiac of signs) as a map of my karma.  As I don't know my exact time of birth the results I have interpreted so far give unfavourable predictions which is making me more anxious.  What if my life is futile and whatever I do there is to be no happy ending?  What hope then?

I  have written gratitude lists, I open doors and gates for people (sometimes a whole swathe of people walk through a door I am opening and not one of them will say thank you or take the door from me!), I say thank you by way of a nod or a thumbs up when a car stops for me on a zebra crossing, I let people in front of me in supermarket queues if they only have a few items in their basket, I never take the last biscuit in the tin or on the plate.  If I see a coin on the pavement  I don't pick it up - I leave it for someone else to have the joy in finding it.  I make sacrifices.  I make lots of sacrifices daily.  I don't know what else to do.

I am not writing all this for people to feel sorry for me.  I am just saying how it is.  I try to be the best I can be with limited resources.  How many more years do I have to keep on giving out and giving up before it is my time to shine, before it is my time to reap some good fortune?

Today I walked into town to Lidl to get the shopping.  I have been walking there twice a week in an attempt to reduce the cost of food bills.  I had a list of what I needed to buy.  I then proceeded to place some rolls of pretty sticky tape and a box of decorative clip on birds in my basket.  I didn't 'need' them at all but I wanted them.  I just wanted them for me.  That is me being selfish at its worst - all £4.97of it.

Monday, 1 February 2016

Zentangle #8

Relaxing my head today with some mindful doodling using black micron pens and Sakura gelly roll pens for the colour.

You can find out more about Zentangle by clicking here.

Wednesday, 27 January 2016

Life Changing

In my last post I talked about waiting for 'life changing' news.  I was of course over dramatising things but had I received the 'good' news my life would have changed as I would be in paid employment.  I won't go into detail about the job here other than to say it was part time and minimum wage and I got as far as being interviewed.

Anyhow, life moves on and I have put a few hand printed totes into my etsy shop.  I need to raise funds for my son's 18th Birthday party and hopefully the shop sales will bring in some much needed income over time but at the rate I am going he will be lucky to have a fairy cake with a candle on top let alone anything else!

Apart from printing the tote bags, I have not done a lot else crafty this month.  There are so many things I want to do but feel a little stagnant in this dull and depressing phase of weather we are currently having here.  When the clouds descend I am in hibernation mode!

I hope that your week is jogging along fine.  Next month is a short one so I am going to squeeze every last drop out of January before February arrives.

Enjoy the rest of the week

Friday, 22 January 2016

Blood Thirsty

I am not overly fond of citrus fruit especially when it is dry and pithy but I adore eating these blood oranges from Sicily.  They are sharp and juicy and just how I like an orange to be.  The segments are streaked red and really do look as though there has been an 'incident' with a knife!

Over the last few days I have been busy printing tote bags and really want to get them listed in my etsy shop next week.  However, the day I list them will depend on the outcome of news I am awaiting.  The news will be life changing for me - if all goes to plan.

I have been in high spirits this week with the blue skies and frosty days but I noticed my mood change this morning when the grey clouds moved in and wet, dismal conditions took up where they left off a couple of weeks ago. As I have grown older I seem much more susceptible to weather conditions.  I can cope with the cold as long as it is bright but I cannot stand muggy rain and blanket grey skies.

Eating brightly coloured fruit lifts my spirits and I feel virtuous for doing something healthy (even if they are sugar laden).

Wishing you all a good weekend come rain or shine!

Monday, 18 January 2016

Colour Prints

Thank you all for your feedback on the last blog post.  I printed two more bags in the same design using Duck Blue and Bengali Rose professional fabric paints and am very pleased with how they turned out.  The reverse side has just one motif in the bottom right corner.  I propose to have them in my (neglected ) etsy shop by the end of the month.

Today is supposedly 'Blue Monday' the most miserable day of the year (don't they say this throughout the year?) and not being one to conform I am feeling most upbeat!  I have been out early and stocked up on groceries, I am in the warm, have books to read and am in good health.  What more could I need or want?

If you are not feeling particularly chipper today, hang on to the thought that things will get better.  They will.