Following on from my last post, I went for a walk on Friday with my camera to take photos of things that drew me to them. To be honest I struggled to find much to interest or 'excite' me but I did find an unusual tree bark that resembled army camouflage.
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On Sunday I thought I would use a new sketch book to do some 'art journaling'. All great works of art start from a blank page but not in this case! In the tradition of many art journalers I 'got some colour down' on to the page lest I have a blank page looking up at me - and immediately wanted to cry! I had ruined the page! A beautiful, pristine book now marred by some thoughtless act of just doing rather than procrastinating about everything. I don't even know what my intention is for the book. Even if it is for my eyes only I want to be proud of it. I am beginning to feel that everything I touch is destroyed and my life seems to be a metaphor for that.
Just had an idea - I could journal the words in the paragraph above and add them to the 'ruined' page. At least I could put to memory how I felt at the time.
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I usually feel quite upbeat on a Monday but today I feel as though I am at a crossroads again and not knowing which path to take. I feel that all the confidence I have been trying to build up over the years, and all the life lessons I have learned have all been a charade. The ugly 'real me' did reveal itself at a meeting last week; petulant, angry, pedantic. How the hell will I ever be employable? (That was rhetorical by the way!) Reviewing my behaviour, I think I was deliberately stirring things up a bit. Some people didn't contribute one word to the meeting and it would have been oh so boring had it continued in that vein. I like to think I was giving people things to think about rather than just showing up but not participating.
This week is totally unscheduled. Who knows what mischief I may get up to? I hope I manage to rein it in a bit!
Have a naughty but nice week!
I'm not sure I would encourage you to rein it in Simone! I think I would rather encourage you to be yourself. I have often got myself into trouble for saying what I think but rarely have I regretted it, I think people respect you for it as they know exactly where they stand with you.
ReplyDeleteV x
I think this grey weather after the glorious October we had is enough to make us feel downbeat and unsure of what to do next, I know it does me, I just can't seem to care about anything at the momen. Sometimes it is good to say what you feel and get things off your chest, I think you are too hard on yourself, Simone but then that is part of you and why you have such creativity:)
ReplyDeleteI'm sure many a great artist has messed up a page or two, don't be so hard on yourself (please!) Nothing ventured...xx
ReplyDeleteDon't rein it in, Simone!! It sounds like you were raised to be a "good girl" as I was, and I used to sit at meetings listening to others sound off with their opinions, not caring what anyone thought. Sometimes I scare myself when I express my opinion because it's so foreign to me, but it gets easier each time. Perhaps it's not the "ugly" side of you, but rather the assertive side of you! And, by the way, that is a fabulous photograph!!! xx
ReplyDeleteThere is no such thing as a ruined page, Simone. It's only paper. Turn the page and make another one, or cut up your page and collage with it, or journal words into the page as you imagined. Nothing you ever create is wasted time or energy. Learn from it and move on.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you were being ugly. Stating what you think is never ugly.
Keep going and don't give up. You will find your way.