Apprehensive

I think I took this sky at night photo about a week ago.  Pink clouds on a blue background.  Very satisfying.  I try to look for special moments these days. The last few years, months, days have been most trying, so now I just seize handfuls of joy where I can.  Like many of you, I get much pleasure from cloud/sky watching.

Today has not been one of the best.  I won't subject you with all the details other than to say I had a panic attack at the dentist surgery.  I used to suffer with panic attacks quite a lot due to bad experiences at various dental surgeries.  I have had six dental appointments in as many weeks recently.  I have learnt to take deep breaths and try to relax during treatment but today it was as though all my 'training' unravelled and exposed my 'controlled self' as a fraud.

Even now I could cry if someone as much as poked me in the arm.  I am feeling weak, stupid, vulnerable, highly strung and still traumatised even though my appointment was more than 5 hours ago. I have another appointment in 3 weeks time.  I think I will be otherwise engaged.

Addendum
I just want to add that I don't have an irrational fear of the dentist. My fear is based on a catalogue of negative experiences. I have had a lot of trauma at the dentists over the past decade.  I have had part of an instrument break off into my gum, endless root canal treatments one of which took over 4 hours, a surgical procedure where the dentist couldn't stop my gum from bleeding, a large filling that was undertaken without numbing me up and hitting a nerve.  I have had treatment in excess of 7 different surgeries and at a dental hospital.  I can no longer find an NHS dentist as I am told that the treatments I require are not done on the NHS.  I have attended a dental surgery every year since I was a child and yet I am constantly having to have work done.

My recent trip to the dentist was for a check up.  I was told that I had gum disease and would require deep cleaning of the 4 quadrants at £30.00 a time.  I was then told that I needed an extraction at £50.00.  On Monday I was relieved that I had my last teeth cleaning appointment when the dentist informed me that I had a large hole in my filling that required fixing.  Today I went to have this amalgam filling at £60.00 and she told me that as it was so large and full of decay she might get close to hitting a nerve.  She then said that root canal treatment may be necessary.  The last time I had this done it cost £500.00 albeit at a different surgery.  As my tongue and mouth was numb and hearing what she was saying caused me to freak out thinking I was going to swallow my tongue as she encased my tooth with a collar to fill it. 

To cut a very long story short, she gave me a temporary filling (where the collar was not required) and told me to return in 3 weeks time to have the temporary filling removed and a permanent one put in.  She said this would cost a further £25.00.  I hope this background information helps to explain my panic attack.