Three Days into February

February so far:

• a fly infestation in downstairs cloakroom
• slug trails across living room floor (and in Dec and Jan)
• breaking a mirror (7 years bad luck  - huh!)

I don't know how much more misery I can take this year.  One thing after another sent to test my patience and my sanity.  I would just like one nice thing to happen - nothing on a grand scale just something to raise my spirits.

I am upset at breaking the mirror this morning.  We have had the mirror for over 25 years.  I am having to walk out on this bitterly cold day and buy another one from somewhere.  I don't drive so it will have to be a walk into town.  My knees ache and I have a problem with my wrist and left foot so I don't think I will be staying out for long. I am not so upset about the superstition of breaking a mirror meaning 7 years bad luck because I have had over seven years of bad luck already!

Feeling down, I reactivated my pinterest account.  There are so many lovely images and inspirational quotes to see and I can quite easily while away some time adding things to my pinterest boards.  I have added a click on link at the top right of this blog if you want to take a look.

Would you like to hear some good news?  Gizmo has had all his stitches removed and been given the all clear from the vet. I am going to keep him in a couple more days though as he is still limping and looks like a case of cruelty with his shaven fur and battle scars.

The photo above is the sole clump of snowdrops I have in my front garden pushing up through the worm casts.  I think they may have come up blind like my daffodils have done for the last few years. Maybe it is time to divide and replant or replace.  Here's hoping to happier times ahead. I think that is all I want to divulge for now.

*Just got back from shopping.  Letter on doormat, open it - 'due to an overwhelming response you have not been shortlisted for an interview'.  Oh well.

** Bought new boxed mirror. Came home, took mirror out of box.  Plastic frame damaged with piece missing.  A journey back to the shops tomorrow.

Spent

As the daffodil above, I am spent.  Disappointment after disappointment.  How much can a person endure?  I recently had an experience that knocked me for six (whatever that means), and have been unable to bounce back.  Embarrassingly, I walk around with my eyes brimful of water and the tears can start to overflow at anytime and anywhere, and I don't have the ability to control  it. If there is such a thing as an afterlife I will be surely be coming back as a watering can, a watery receptacle, but at least one that has a purpose.

Hopefully this is just a blip and as the weather improves, so will my somewhat fragile state of mind. I have a major Birthday coming up and I think that has heightened my sensitivity to the things going on in my life.  I also have a major milestone coming up in the amount of blog posts I have written over the years.

Blogging is a major part of my life now.  An on line diary for the World to see.  An ordinary person finding her ordinary life an uphill struggle and exposing her vulnerabilities to the Universe. 

Evolve was my word choice for 2013.  I think Endure is more appropriate now.

*Comments are now back on.

White Monday

According to the British media today is known as Blue Monday.  It is said to be the most depressing day of the year!  Looking in my garden it appears to be a very white Monday.  The snow is giving the plants a final rest and a blanket to slumber under before they burst up through the earth in the Spring.

I should really be using this time wisely and planning my garden for the coming year but I really cannot get motivated.  My mind is somewhat askew at the moment.  I want to make things and do things but my confidence is at an all time low for no apparent reason.

I wish I could capture that sunny day feeling and lightness of spirit that I must have had once upon a time.  Those days seem long gone now.  Spring cannot come soon enough.

January Blues

I am feeling a little blue today.  Gizmo is not feeling too happy today either as I keep putting him outside in the garden.  The reason for this is if he stays indoors for most of the day then come 7.30-8.30pm he starts playing up and wanting to go outside then!

After the weather people threatening snow for the last few days, we finally had a sprinkling.  Not white, fluffy snow but sleety snow that dissolved on reaching the ground.  It is bitterly cold though.

Sometimes the January blues can come on with no real reason but my reasons are as follows:

• Trying to get washing dry in a cold, damp and literally rotting conservatory.
• Having to dry clothes over radiators or the clothes horse next to the radiators.
• My son poorly with a chest infection.
• A continual feeling as though I am about to 'come down' with something.
• The main phone line down since Friday (I don't own a mobile phone).
• Condensation running down all the windows in the house (except in the dining room shown above).
• and the worst thing of all,  the smell of a dead rat in the downstairs toilet!  I know it is the smell of a dead animal because we had baits set many years ago in a house we lived in and it is the exact smell of the corpses.  

Now to look at the bright side!

• There is talk of us maybe buying a tumble dryer (time to move into the 21st Century!)
• My son is feeling a bit better.
• A phone Engineer has arrived to sort out the phone problem.
• Once the temperature warms up I am going to give the house a clean and spruce up.
• The smell of the dead animal should have subsided by Spring!!!

I hope that the January blues are not affecting you all too much.  When it is bleak outside and cold inside it is hard not to be down in the dumps.  I am going to try to keep myself as occupied as possible and look ahead to the sunny days to come.

Apprehensive

I think I took this sky at night photo about a week ago.  Pink clouds on a blue background.  Very satisfying.  I try to look for special moments these days. The last few years, months, days have been most trying, so now I just seize handfuls of joy where I can.  Like many of you, I get much pleasure from cloud/sky watching.

Today has not been one of the best.  I won't subject you with all the details other than to say I had a panic attack at the dentist surgery.  I used to suffer with panic attacks quite a lot due to bad experiences at various dental surgeries.  I have had six dental appointments in as many weeks recently.  I have learnt to take deep breaths and try to relax during treatment but today it was as though all my 'training' unravelled and exposed my 'controlled self' as a fraud.

Even now I could cry if someone as much as poked me in the arm.  I am feeling weak, stupid, vulnerable, highly strung and still traumatised even though my appointment was more than 5 hours ago. I have another appointment in 3 weeks time.  I think I will be otherwise engaged.

Addendum
I just want to add that I don't have an irrational fear of the dentist. My fear is based on a catalogue of negative experiences. I have had a lot of trauma at the dentists over the past decade.  I have had part of an instrument break off into my gum, endless root canal treatments one of which took over 4 hours, a surgical procedure where the dentist couldn't stop my gum from bleeding, a large filling that was undertaken without numbing me up and hitting a nerve.  I have had treatment in excess of 7 different surgeries and at a dental hospital.  I can no longer find an NHS dentist as I am told that the treatments I require are not done on the NHS.  I have attended a dental surgery every year since I was a child and yet I am constantly having to have work done.

My recent trip to the dentist was for a check up.  I was told that I had gum disease and would require deep cleaning of the 4 quadrants at £30.00 a time.  I was then told that I needed an extraction at £50.00.  On Monday I was relieved that I had my last teeth cleaning appointment when the dentist informed me that I had a large hole in my filling that required fixing.  Today I went to have this amalgam filling at £60.00 and she told me that as it was so large and full of decay she might get close to hitting a nerve.  She then said that root canal treatment may be necessary.  The last time I had this done it cost £500.00 albeit at a different surgery.  As my tongue and mouth was numb and hearing what she was saying caused me to freak out thinking I was going to swallow my tongue as she encased my tooth with a collar to fill it. 

To cut a very long story short, she gave me a temporary filling (where the collar was not required) and told me to return in 3 weeks time to have the temporary filling removed and a permanent one put in.  She said this would cost a further £25.00.  I hope this background information helps to explain my panic attack.

Inertia

I am going through a period of inertia.  I am apathetic to what is going on around me.  Garden structures are collapsing, the dead tomato plants in the greenhouse need clearing away, the house needs a thorough clean and tidy and yet although aware of all these tasks to be completed I seem not to care.

Yesterday I did my volunteering session up at the vineyard.  We had many failed crops this year and the crops that are doing well we have found difficult to manage.  'Bud rubbing' should have been completed back in May but we are so behind that we are 'bud rubbing' still which now means pruning 3 foot long branches as opposed to rubbing off tiny little shoots.  My voluntary work has lost some of its appeal.  I can't quite figure out why.  I don't think it has changed much but maybe I have?  Maybe I am just sick and tired of what I see as a string of failures. 

I willed myself out of the inertia for a brief spell yesterday when I made some blackberry jelly.  2lbs of blackberries and 1lb of sugar yielded just one jar.  It had better taste good!!!

As I sit and type this I can hear someone using a chainsaw in a garden at the back of the house, at the front of the house council workers are using a pneumatic drill.  Constant noise surrounds me and I just want some peace and quiet.  I think I will go for a long walk later.  I need time to think without the distractions.  I need some clarity of thought.  I will return with my 'happy hat' and leave the sad mask behind.

Cloudy

Cloudy.  It has been cloudy here all week.  I have been living under a cloud both physically and metaphorically. Suppressed emotions have been bubbling up and manifesting themselves in all kinds of negative ways. I read somewhere, a long time ago, that if you send out a message to the universe your message will be heard and your wish will be granted.  Bearing that in mind,  I would be grateful for any positive vibes that you could send my way.  Thank you and back at you! x

Birthday Eve

It is my Birthday tomorrow.  I have put out the garden furniture in anticipation of a fine weekend.  To be honest, I am not really looking forward to the day.  I am still not feeling in the best of health and I feel under pressure to 'enjoy' myself.

The blank places on the mantel piece usually filled with cards, serve as a reminder of the family and friends who are no longer with us.  This saddens me.

Another year notched up on the planet.  I guess that is worth a celebration in itself.

Jaded

This photo of the neighbour's cherry blossom was taken two weeks ago.  Most of the blossom has fallen now and looks like fresh snow upon the ground.  Today is officially the first day of spring - but I am not ready.  I still cannot shift this virus or whatever debilitating bug it is.  I have no desire to go out for walks, tend the garden, eat chocolate, read books or do any of the things that normally bring pleasure into my life.  I am not even looking forward to visiting the vineyard this week.

I have recently found out that a dear neighbour is terminally ill and another has bowel cancer.  I thank my lucky stars that I am in general good health apart from what is ailing me at the moment.  I wondered if subconsciously, I am feeling unwell now so that I can deal with the inevitable pain of loss in a few months time when I will be required to be strong and supportive to the bereaved.

I feel world-weary.  I can't even hear the birds singing today.  The mind is a powerful tool.  I am sensible enough to accept that fact.  I think I need to put myself in the mindset of being well and then hopefully I will be well again.

.............................I have just heard birdsong.  Life goes on.

Unseasonal

It may be spring outside (although today there seems to have been a blip) but in my heart it feels like the depths of winter.  OK, I am being melodramatic but I have gone down with a nasty bug and it has stopped me in my tracks.  I have frittered my days away sleeping and had neither the will or the inclination to do anything but sleep.  This inactivity is making me feel quite miserable but it is hard to concentrate on anything when you have a pounding head and streaming eyes and nose.  There is so much that I want to do but can't do at the moment.  The greenhouse needs cleaning and sorting out, seeds are still to be sown, letters are to be written, new craft materials are waiting to be used and the household chores are piling up around me.

I have not managed to comment on all of your blogs recently and it is an effort to write this post as I feel so wretched.  Hopefully I will be restored to health in the next few days.   Have a lovely weekend.

A Summers Eve

The above photo was taken a couple of evenings ago.  I am trying to capture happy moments in time to sustain me when times are dark.

Today is a dark day.  It is cold, wet and overcast. I feel down today.  I will spend some time looking at positive images and reading positive words.

I lit a candle for the first time in ages today.  A lovely blackberry scented candle.  It is a day for lighting candles, reading, curling up with a blanket and eating hot food.  I am lucky to have access to all these things and for that I am grateful.

Alone Again ..............................Naturally

My insecurities have gotten hold of me again.  I can quite easily bumble along through life and then out of the blue self doubt sets in.   I like to think that I come across as an amiable person through my blog and in my 'real' life too.  Something is not quite right though.  I don't seem to be able to form 'friendships' as other bloggers seem to be able to. People that used to comment on here or email me no longer do so even when I still support them on their blogs, yet I know they are still around because I see the comments that they leave on other people's blogs.  I understand if they no longer find what I say interesting (maybe they never did) but it makes me wonder if I have said or done something to offend them.  I hope not.

I feel very much like the buttercup above on the left.  The one on the outside whilst everybody else is grouped together on the right.  Maybe I detach myself purposely?  In some aspects this is true.  When I am alone or feeling melancholy I tend to produce better art, better poetry, deeper thoughts.  Today I am feeling very isolated.  It may be a good time to dig out the paints and see what happens.

After the Sun................

After almost six days of unbroken sunshine, I find myself in a quiet and reflective mood.  By Tuesday the cooler, dull weather had returned and so negativity began to swallow me up.  Like the girl in the picture I feel as though I am in a dark forest and just waiting for the sun to come through again so that I might find a way out.

As the grey skies descend so does my mood.  I almost feel trapped under the dark and heavy cloud.  I know the sunny days will return and I have much to look forward to in the greenhouse.  I have been busy sowing seeds and potting on.  This year I will have strawberries, cherry tomatoes and a garden brimming over with flowers!  That is the plan anyway. 

I have much to be thankful and happy for, I just wish that the moody girl inside me would recognise that.

Feeling Flaky

 I am feeling particularly flaky today.  A beautiful, majestic pear tree a few gardens away from my house is being chopped down.  Not only was it lovely to look at but it provided shelter and a food source to various birds and wildlife.  Now there is a gaping hole where it once stood and I now lack the privacy and interest the tree provided.  I will never know why the tree was chopped down.  Maybe it was unsafe or diseased or maybe the owners just don't like trees.  Blogger seems to have changed and I can't find a way of aligning my writing to the left.  I had to choose the caption option.

I treated the kitchen to a lovely shiny planter today.  My herbs snuggle up very nicely together inside it. 

The picture above is still to go up on my dining room wall.  It is a huge picture 50 x 100cm and only a portion of it is displayed above.  It is a print by Sam Toft and full of lots of lovely vivid colours.  My orchid is still thriving and can be seen in front of the picture to the left.  Despite feeling slightly unhinged today - dropping all my credit cards and change on a shop floor and scrabbling around trying to pick it all up, despite going to bed on an argument and not resolving it this morning, despite having tears burst from my eyes for no apparent reason on my way back from the shops, despite it starting to rain even though sun was forecast - I feel surprisingly optimistic.  Today has been a bit of a downer but I have plans to make tomorrow better!!!

A Blip

I am going through a blip in life at the moment.  My desire to put on a happy face is proving to be extremely challenging.  Once again I am going through a period of self doubt - self loathing even.  I don't know where or why this feeling comes over me.  It is a real pain. 

One of my teeth crumbled away as I bit on a sugared almond at the weekend.  Now I look as ugly on the outside as I am feeling on the inside.

This feeling is temporary I know.  Normal service will be resumed in a few days.  Thank you for listening.

Losing the Plot

Recently I have not been very mindful of what I'm doing. I will give you a couple of examples. When visiting the library I took out my house keys to open the door; this morning I put on my son's Lynx deodorant by mistake.

A couple on months back I liberally sprayed deodorant all over my face thinking it was Liz Earle's skin tonic spritzer. I don't know if these acts of carelessness are because I have too much on (in) my mind - or not enough. It is quite a worry to make mistakes with the most mundane of tasks.

I have been feeling quite useless recently. My self esteem is rock bottom and I find it a chore to even dress appropriately to get a paper from the corner shop.

I need to find work but lack the confidence to do anything let alone convince an employer reasons to employ me! I could give a ream of good reasons for not employing me though.

A few posts back I asked readers/bloggers for suggestions on the kinds of jobs I could consider. I was flattered that you had such high expectations of me and for a while believed that I could do anything I put my mind to, but every now and then a little voice in the back of my head tells me to be realistic, to stop kidding myself and to stop having ideas above my station.

The melancholy season is just around the corner. I am having my melancholy period in advance so that I can get this negativity of my chest and out of my head, and start living life again.