Home Truths

• I am not a classic beauty
• I am great at starting things but not so great at finishing them
• I set myself goals and targets and then forget about them
• My moods swing like a pendulum
• I am impulsive 
• I am compulsive
• I am yet to find my calling

Home truths are hard to bear but it makes choices easier when you have limitations - self imposed or otherwise.

A Bad Case of Self Expression

I had a long walk today on my way to a volunteers meeting.  I took the berry photo in a park nearby.  The holly tree was smothered in berries a sign of a harsh winter to come?  With hindsight I wish I had stayed taking photos rather than attend the meeting although I did meet an interesting man who apparently used to sell missiles and another who thought I was in my late 30's so it wasn't all bad.

At the meeting I spoke up and expressed my views in a rather clumsy way that came out in a bit of a rant.  I felt so embarrassed afterwards but luckily an eloquent woman spoke up for me explaining what I meant.  I think I may have shocked a few people with what I was saying but at least I was heard.  I blame it on the second child syndrome.  I was the second and last child of two in a house shared with strong characters.  A long way down in the pecking order I feel I have to shout to be heard. 

Do you have siblings or are you an only child?  Has being a second child held you back in any way?  Do you feel that you are compared to the first born?  I would be interested to know if any of you have felt stifled by being the youngest member of the family. 

Right now I feel emotionally drained after my 'self expression' episode.  I feel I must stay tight lipped for months to come!  I am going to keep my head down and stay at the back of the queue.  Sometimes being seen and not heard can be an advantage.

The Universe Does Listen?

I've been giving myself a hard time recently.  I really do not live up to my expectations.  There are so many areas of my life where I feel I have fell short and I now realise that there is no-one to blame but myself.  Often when I am at my lowest point, something will happen to help me change my thought process which so happened  this weekend when I listened to two motivational speakers on Super Soul Sunday on TLC.  The speakers were Bishop T D Jakes and Deepak Chopra.  I listened intently to what they were saying and really did feel uplifted at the end of the 'pep' talk.

The thing that stuck most in my mind from Bishop Jakes was 'you are where you are because of the thoughts you think' and from Deepak Chopra ' what the caterpillar thought was the end of the World was the birth of a butterfly'.

From now on I really am going to try and change my thought pattern.  It has taken years to build up a negative image of myself so I guess it will take time to start believing in my self worth.

As I have been writing this and leaning forward to read the writing on the screen (I am typing on a big old desktop computer)  the flame from the image of the candle has got increasingly hot forcing me to sit back.  How weird is that? Can you feel the heat from it too?!!!

* just in case people think I have finally 'lost it' I know that I can't really feel heat from the candle on the screen but it certainly warmed me up just looking at it!

Reflecting

Thank you for the responses to the question on my last post.  You have given me a lot to think about!  I have now published the comments so you can see what each other came up with.  I was never expecting to see words such as vivacious, dynamic, or exciting spring to people's minds, as that isn't me, but they are traits that I admire in others.

The reason for my question wasn't to be narcissistic, it had a much more practical reason than that.  I am trying to find out if I am portraying the essence of the 'real' me on my blog.  Judging by your comments, I think I am coming across as I want to be seen although I would love to be more inspirational to you all. From now on I am going to be less solemn and despondent as nobody wants to come and visit a worrywart.

The words that came up more than once were creative, sensitive, thoughtful and kind and I guess that is me in a nutshell (my positive traits anyhow, we won't mention my negative ones!)  My favourite and most unexpected description of me had to be 'as delicate as a flower' submitted by the lovely Michela.  Thank you Michela that really made my day!

Alone Again ..............................Naturally

My insecurities have gotten hold of me again.  I can quite easily bumble along through life and then out of the blue self doubt sets in.   I like to think that I come across as an amiable person through my blog and in my 'real' life too.  Something is not quite right though.  I don't seem to be able to form 'friendships' as other bloggers seem to be able to. People that used to comment on here or email me no longer do so even when I still support them on their blogs, yet I know they are still around because I see the comments that they leave on other people's blogs.  I understand if they no longer find what I say interesting (maybe they never did) but it makes me wonder if I have said or done something to offend them.  I hope not.

I feel very much like the buttercup above on the left.  The one on the outside whilst everybody else is grouped together on the right.  Maybe I detach myself purposely?  In some aspects this is true.  When I am alone or feeling melancholy I tend to produce better art, better poetry, deeper thoughts.  Today I am feeling very isolated.  It may be a good time to dig out the paints and see what happens.

Stitching and Thinking

Whenever I do some relaxing stitching my mind tends to wander.  Today I was wondering about my future.  I rarely look too far ahead, I generally live day to day but just recently I have felt very restless with the uncertainty of my future role.  I have been a stay at home Mum for almost 13 years.  I now feel that as my son becomes less dependent on me I need to plan ahead.  It is scary.  I can't imagine returning to work.  I can't imagine working for anyone else.

When I left the office more than a decade ago, I never envisaged that I wouldn't return.  The day I left I was rosy cheeked and full of optimism.  The years have taken their toll on me.  I don't have the energy for office politics anymore.  I don't have the energy to dance to someone else's tune.  I will have to work for myself.

The problem is I don't know what I WANT to do!  I don't know what I CAN do!  My confidence is low at the moment and I don't feel that I am capable of  doing anything.  I have been 'stuck' like this for a long time as regular readers of this blog will know.  I am unable to move forward.  Unable to reclaim my identity as me and not just 'Mum'.  Who knows where I am going to end up?  On the scrap heap no doubt if I don't start making decisions soon.

For now, it is back to the cross-stitch.  At least that is one area where I am making progress.

A Blip

I am going through a blip in life at the moment.  My desire to put on a happy face is proving to be extremely challenging.  Once again I am going through a period of self doubt - self loathing even.  I don't know where or why this feeling comes over me.  It is a real pain. 

One of my teeth crumbled away as I bit on a sugared almond at the weekend.  Now I look as ugly on the outside as I am feeling on the inside.

This feeling is temporary I know.  Normal service will be resumed in a few days.  Thank you for listening.

A Lesson Learnt

Last week on a whim, I decided to have my hair cut. No big deal? I have been growing my hair for about 3 years and only had a couple of trims in all that time. I wish I could turn back the clock. Last week I could tie my hair back in a ten inch pony tail. Today it is a two inch pony tail. I also have a very annoying wispy fringe. I now remember why I haven't had a fringe for years. It irritates like hell and I have to keep pushing it off my forehead because it itches so much. My 'thick' hair is baby fine in my opinion, I just have a lot of it. The hairdresser said it needed a layer so it wouldn't hang in a 'block'. The 'bob' haircut I have had isn't a bob at all. It is a lopsided layered mess. I could scream, shout and holler like a child having a tantrum but that won't bring my hair back. I just have to bide my time and grow out the fringe and the layers. The reason I have blogged about this is so that next time I decide to have my hair cut on a whim I will read this post first!

Edited: The photo above is a before shot. I can't even bear to look in the mirror to take a photo of how it is now. Also, my hair looks blonde with the sunlight catching it but it is in fact brown!

Mid-Life Crisis

For most of my life I have felt invisible. I have never stood out at school, at work or at social events. I now realise that I am of an age where I am entering the 'invisible' years. The age when older women are often cast aside for new fresh faced female forms.

As a person who has always struggled to be seen and heard I know that these years are going to be even tougher for me , the quiet mouse who doesn't even register in most people's minds. I unobtrusively tip toe through life but I feel that is about to change.

When shopping for a pair of shoes for a function I am obligated to attend, I didn't choose the sensible, low heeled black classic that I would normally go for. I went for the shoes pictured above. Now I am sure to get noticed even if it means I grab attention by tripping up in them! I think it is time that I stopped hiding. Time I stopped apologising for being who I am. I like my new shoes. I can't walk in them. They are totally impractical but I WILL get NOTICED and just maybe even LISTENED to.

Middle Aged Mouse

I caught sight of myself in a shop mirror whilst out shopping today. Three words describe my reflection. Middle. Aged. Mouse. What happened? Where did I go? When did I go down that slippery slope to obscurity? I looked almost nondescript. I could easily blend into the crowd. I could even be the background.

I avoid mirrors as much as I can and only briefly look into one to apply a scant make-up each morning. Catching my reflection off-guard was a wake up call for me. I was so shocked by the dowdy image I portrayed that I vow to smarten myself up forthwith!

So here's to an updated, chic, contemporary and smarter version of myself. I certainly don't want to meet that middle aged mouse in the mirror again.