Thursday, 4 February 2016

The Quest for Fulfilment


Please feel free to comment on this post.  I am not depressed - just stuck.  In all honesty when people turn a blind eye it exacerbates my insecurities and inadequacies.  Many people have read this post yet I have received little in the way of response.  I am already feeling in a more positive frame of mind since writing it so don't think your words will send me over the edge.  I enjoy feedback.  It helps me to put things into perspective.

This is a long post.  If you are feeling down I advise you not to read on, unless you are curious - and then of course you will...........

I have been searching for 'something' for so long now that I don't even know what I am seeking.  I am restless, dissatisfied and feel like a pressure cooker about to explode!  The only time I feel content is when I am making something but afterwards I come crashing down as I know it could have been time spent doing something around the house and the guilt sets in.  After all my husband is the wage earner and I, by default, am the housekeeper. It is not what I signed up for.  I know that to be the sole breadwinner is not what he signed up for either.  I try to do my bit.  I have supported and encouraged him with his studies and some years ago he retrained to become a school teacher.  He doesn't say anything to me but I feel that he regrets his decision.  I know he would swap places with me any day.

Since I have been a stay at home Mum for almost 18 years I have lost myself.  Soon my son will be off at Uni or work and I feel as though I need to reinvent myself again.  I don't know who I am, what I am here for or what my next move should be.  I cry often.  My son tells me to have some self respect and get a job.  I know he doesn't mean it unkindly but he knows that I want to be financially independent once more.

With regards to the job interview I had 2 weeks ago, the person who got it had a 'background in stage make up that was hard to beat.'  Had I known that a knowledge of stage make up was a pre-requisite of the job, I wouldn't have applied.  The job was advertised as customer services assistant responsible for printing off invoices and picking and packing goods  - that happened to be stage make up.  The job was part time and minimum wage and had I got the job (and was paying rent) it wouldn't have even covered that expense.  To look on the funny side of things the location was pretty dismal, on an industrial estate working alone with an eccentric looking boss in the unit next door.  The room I was to work in had shelves full of make up and wigs, electric wires trailing the floor and no windows.  With hindsight, I would have hated that environment so I had a lucky escape.

Back to the drawing board, where on earth do I start in trying to gain employment that pays the 'living' wage?  There is no point in working for hours that pays a pittance although I am aware that many people do just this.

I have tried so many on line 'personality' tests and quizzes to find out what jobs are suitable for me  but really the results are inconclusive.  I have tried to find out more about Vedic astrology (a zodiac of constellations) which is much more in depth than Western astrology (a zodiac of signs) as a map of my karma.  As I don't know my exact time of birth the results I have interpreted so far give unfavourable predictions which is making me more anxious.  What if my life is futile and whatever I do there is to be no happy ending?  What hope then?

I  have written gratitude lists, I open doors and gates for people (sometimes a whole swathe of people walk through a door I am opening and not one of them will say thank you or take the door from me!), I say thank you by way of a nod or a thumbs up when a car stops for me on a zebra crossing, I let people in front of me in supermarket queues if they only have a few items in their basket, I never take the last biscuit in the tin or on the plate.  If I see a coin on the pavement  I don't pick it up - I leave it for someone else to have the joy in finding it.  I make sacrifices.  I make lots of sacrifices daily.  I don't know what else to do.

I am not writing all this for people to feel sorry for me.  I am just saying how it is.  I try to be the best I can be with limited resources.  How many more years do I have to keep on giving out and giving up before it is my time to shine, before it is my time to reap some good fortune?

Today I walked into town to Lidl to get the shopping.  I have been walking there twice a week in an attempt to reduce the cost of food bills.  I had a list of what I needed to buy.  I then proceeded to place some rolls of pretty sticky tape and a box of decorative clip on birds in my basket.  I didn't 'need' them at all but I wanted them.  I just wanted them for me.  That is me being selfish at its worst - all £4.97of it.

12 comments:

Jane said...

Sorry to hear you're so down. I wish I could help. For one close relative of mine, anti-depressants helped to 'lift' her out of a deep dark place. It didn't solve all her life issues but it did give her the energy to at least find a place to start. Other people I know have found counselling was the answer. It's such a personal thing, finding what will work for you.

One thing I do believe is that you shouldn't feel guilty about your contribution as home-maker. In my mother's day, women's role as home-maker was considered a full-time and important contribution to helping the world go round. My generation rejected it and wanted more (jobs, careers, travel, freedom etc.) but I wonder if we threw the baby out with the bath-water. Maybe we haven't achieved the fairy-tale glittery life, but at the same time we don't feel that home-making is 'enough'. I wonder if we should find more contentment in little things. Like buying pretty sticky-tape and decorative clip-on birds. Just because they please us. And why not?

greenrabbitdesigns said...

Nothing wrong with being a bit selfish from time to time Simone!
I too am a homemaker and have been for over 30 years now, I thought I might go back to work when my kids went to uni but I didn't, by choice, I love being at home but that's me and I know it's not you. I truly do hope you find something to satisfy that need in you Simone, I really do.
V x

KC'sCourt! said...

I send you hugs. You can only do your best. Take time for yourself, and if you want to treat yourself then do so. Do not feel guilty about anything. Do what you have to do around the house etc. but most importantly set a time for you and do not feel guilty about it. Set two hours a day for you just before everyone returns home, whether its a walk or crafting or just sitting with a cuppa just spend time for you and don't feel guilty about it.
Julie xxxxxx

Ethel Johnson said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Simone said...

I only removed the above comment because it contained personal info. :-)

Rosie said...

I read your post yesterday and was going to comment but I thought you had put something on about not being able to read comments so I didn't leave one at that time but I don't see that comment now. I know how you feel, Simone and I'm glad you aren't feeling down or depressed. I did things the other way round to you and worked from just 16 to about 55 but oh, when I finished work I felt so hidden and purposeless. I suddenly wasn't anything anymore and it has taken me some time to settle and accept that now I am 65, I'm retired and that is quite enough for me. It doesn't hurt to have little treats now and then to help you through the frustration of the days of being at home. I do hope that there is something out there for you, anything would be good just to get you started and motivated to look for something more fulfilling. Keeping my fingers crossed:)

Lisa said...

Trying to work out who we are on how we fit in is an on going quest I think.
With changes of one kind and other over the past few years I felt very unsettled and inadequate at times.
I have recently undertaken to read out spoken affirmations at the start and end of each day, a few words which I feel I can connect to.
I love the birds, I shall look out for those next time I go to Lidl, if I can tear myself away from their brad and cakes that is!
Lisa x

Amanda said...

Simone, when I read this post I was hit by the following... Maybe you need to stop making sacrifices! By always making sacrifices and putting others' needs first you tell yourself and the world that you are not as worthy as they are. As your son says, have some self-respect and know that YOU are the most important person in YOUR life! That doesn't mean never helping or caring for others, it just means not doing so at the expense of your own wellbeing! Sometimes by honouring our own worth we can give so much more to the world than we ever imagined. It reminds me of a post I wrote a few years back (http://www.thefamilypatch.com/made-to-shine/) which highlights a very special part of the book "A Return to Love" by Marianne Williamson. Have you ever read it? She streams her live talks every Monday now that you can register to watch for free... Perhaps it's worth watching this week's and seeing if it resonates with you at all? Just a thought. Much love to you x

Bev C said...

Hello Simone,

We all lead different lives and take a different perspective on things going on in our lives. Have you thought to offer your services at a voluntary organisation to get you back out amongst the community? There are lots of great blogs that are inspiring just do a quick google on what you are interested in and you may get some hints and tips. It is not how other people feel what you should be doing it is what you feel happy doing.

Happy days.
Bev C

Sue said...

Hi Simone,
I feel like you do a lot of the time ( mine is depression, anxiety etc.,) but I try to get out each day, even 15-20mins helps...listen to the world around you. I work two days a week at the moment, with hopefully more to come soon. If you can find a craft group, walking group, or something that you are very interested in join it, and maybe make more likeminded people?.
These wet and dreary days don't help, but think Spring is just around the corner, with hopefully warm days and plenty of sunshine!...
Hope you find your way soon, and wish you my very best wishes,
Sue

Cream Linen said...

Hello Simone,
I'm glad you are now feeling better.
I just wanted to say that what you feel is very similar to what lots of women feel,all around the world. No matter whether we are employed or housewives , mothers or not , happily married or single ,there are days or periods in our life that we all feel either inadequate or that something is missing from our lives which we believe are far from perfect. In few words , nobody is really satisfied with their lives.
We just have to take things as they come and be as optimistic as possible.
Gloomy days will soon pass!
My very best.
Tina

Judy Hartman said...

Hi Simone,
I know you have written a follow-up post, which I'll read after I write this. You are a very kind person, as I try to be, and there is nothing wrong with that. I don't know how old you are, but do you really need to get a high paying job, or are you pushing yourself too hard? It sounds like you are looking for something fulfilling, something to make you feel worthwhile and appreciated. I know you volunteered before at a vineyard (?) but didn't feel appreciated there. Is there any sewing or art supply store you could work in, or anywhere you could teach crafts, to children, adults or elders? Could you teach jewelry making? What do you love most and is there any way you could work in some capacity in that field?
It's very hard to transition from being a stay-at-home mom to the working world. I wish very much that you could find a little niche where you could use your talents and find fulfillment.
Sending you hugs,
Judy x