The Quest for Fulfilment

Please feel free to comment on this post.  I am not depressed - just stuck.  In all honesty when people turn a blind eye it exacerbates my insecurities and inadequacies.  Many people have read this post yet I have received little in the way of response.  I am already feeling in a more positive frame of mind since writing it so don't think your words will send me over the edge.  I enjoy feedback.  It helps me to put things into perspective.

This is a long post.  If you are feeling down I advise you not to read on, unless you are curious - and then of course you will...........

I have been searching for 'something' for so long now that I don't even know what I am seeking.  I am restless, dissatisfied and feel like a pressure cooker about to explode!  The only time I feel content is when I am making something but afterwards I come crashing down as I know it could have been time spent doing something around the house and the guilt sets in.  After all my husband is the wage earner and I, by default, am the housekeeper. It is not what I signed up for.  I know that to be the sole breadwinner is not what he signed up for either.  I try to do my bit.  I have supported and encouraged him with his studies and some years ago he retrained to become a school teacher.  He doesn't say anything to me but I feel that he regrets his decision.  I know he would swap places with me any day.

Since I have been a stay at home Mum for almost 18 years I have lost myself.  Soon my son will be off at Uni or work and I feel as though I need to reinvent myself again.  I don't know who I am, what I am here for or what my next move should be.  I cry often.  My son tells me to have some self respect and get a job.  I know he doesn't mean it unkindly but he knows that I want to be financially independent once more.

With regards to the job interview I had 2 weeks ago, the person who got it had a 'background in stage make up that was hard to beat.'  Had I known that a knowledge of stage make up was a pre-requisite of the job, I wouldn't have applied.  The job was advertised as customer services assistant responsible for printing off invoices and picking and packing goods  - that happened to be stage make up.  The job was part time and minimum wage and had I got the job (and was paying rent) it wouldn't have even covered that expense.  To look on the funny side of things the location was pretty dismal, on an industrial estate working alone with an eccentric looking boss in the unit next door.  The room I was to work in had shelves full of make up and wigs, electric wires trailing the floor and no windows.  With hindsight, I would have hated that environment so I had a lucky escape.

Back to the drawing board, where on earth do I start in trying to gain employment that pays the 'living' wage?  There is no point in working for hours that pays a pittance although I am aware that many people do just this.

I have tried so many on line 'personality' tests and quizzes to find out what jobs are suitable for me  but really the results are inconclusive.  I have tried to find out more about Vedic astrology (a zodiac of constellations) which is much more in depth than Western astrology (a zodiac of signs) as a map of my karma.  As I don't know my exact time of birth the results I have interpreted so far give unfavourable predictions which is making me more anxious.  What if my life is futile and whatever I do there is to be no happy ending?  What hope then?

I  have written gratitude lists, I open doors and gates for people (sometimes a whole swathe of people walk through a door I am opening and not one of them will say thank you or take the door from me!), I say thank you by way of a nod or a thumbs up when a car stops for me on a zebra crossing, I let people in front of me in supermarket queues if they only have a few items in their basket, I never take the last biscuit in the tin or on the plate.  If I see a coin on the pavement  I don't pick it up - I leave it for someone else to have the joy in finding it.  I make sacrifices.  I make lots of sacrifices daily.  I don't know what else to do.

I am not writing all this for people to feel sorry for me.  I am just saying how it is.  I try to be the best I can be with limited resources.  How many more years do I have to keep on giving out and giving up before it is my time to shine, before it is my time to reap some good fortune?

Today I walked into town to Lidl to get the shopping.  I have been walking there twice a week in an attempt to reduce the cost of food bills.  I had a list of what I needed to buy.  I then proceeded to place some rolls of pretty sticky tape and a box of decorative clip on birds in my basket.  I didn't 'need' them at all but I wanted them.  I just wanted them for me.  That is me being selfish at its worst - all £4.97of it.

Life Changing

In my last post I talked about waiting for 'life changing' news.  I was of course over dramatising things but had I received the 'good' news my life would have changed as I would be in paid employment.  I won't go into detail about the job here other than to say it was part time and minimum wage and I got as far as being interviewed.

Anyhow, life moves on and I have put a few hand printed totes into my etsy shop.  I need to raise funds for my son's 18th Birthday party and hopefully the shop sales will bring in some much needed income over time but at the rate I am going he will be lucky to have a fairy cake with a candle on top let alone anything else!

Apart from printing the tote bags, I have not done a lot else crafty this month.  There are so many things I want to do but feel a little stagnant in this dull and depressing phase of weather we are currently having here.  When the clouds descend I am in hibernation mode!

I hope that your week is jogging along fine.  Next month is a short one so I am going to squeeze every last drop out of January before February arrives.

Enjoy the rest of the week

Ennui

*Clematis

A few posts back a reader said that she hadn't been commenting on blog posts because of ennui.  I had no idea what ennui meant so looked it up to find that it means 'a feeling of being bored and mentally tired caused by having nothing interesting or exciting to do.' (Source here)  I can relate to this and have felt this way for more years than I care to remember.

As a self motivator I am constantly looking for things to do. A lot of the time I am bored witless and clutch at anything that first sparks my interest. This is limiting though because I don't have an income.  I mainly look for sources of inspiration on pinterest and on other peoples blogs.  I know that I need to find employment to fill the void in my life but am clueless on what I can do.  After being out of the work environment for more than 16 years my confidence is at an all time low.  I wasn't that confident even when I was young and slim and winging it through the day. 

I have been holding off working until my son finishes his education.  I haven't wanted to cause any disruption in his life through these critical years of study.  I did terribly at school and didn't want him to repeat the pattern.  Anyway, he assures me that he can do perfectly OK should I wish to start back at work.  The problem is what DO I do?  Most fairly paid jobs require an education to degree level which I don't have.  I can't return to study as I don't have the finances.  I did do voluntary work at the vineyard for 3 years hoping that it would lead to some form of employment at the end before realising that was just a government ploy to get people working for nothing.

A few days ago whilst 'job searching' I found a job for an Activities Coordinator in a care home.  The description was to keep residents happy and occupied by giving them various social and recreational activities to take part in and building up a stock of social events and hobby equipment.  I thought the job seemed ideal fulfilling the 'caring' part in me and giving me the challenge of sourcing fun activities for the residents.  I really want a job where I feel I make a valued contribution and have job satisfaction and this seemed to tick all the boxes.  I spent a whole day researching activities to do with Alzheimer and Dementia patients and became increasingly despondent as the day went on.  Apparently the attention span of someone with Alzheimer's is about 15 minutes, they would need to be closely monitored when (button sorting) for instance in case they tried to eat them and were given 'activities' such as folding washing to keep them occupied.  No chance of me teaching them how to zentangle then?!!!  On a serious note, I don't think I would have the patience or expertise to work with  groups of people with varying degrees of  mental health issues.  I would probably have to take out a risk assessment for everything I planned to organise for them and ultimately be responsible for any mishaps. 

So, each day I flounder halfheartedly looking for jobs that don't interest me, feeling guilty, feeling sad, wondering of what use I can be whilst my husband bangs on about me living with my head in the clouds and not living in the real World.

*Clematis in my back garden.  To see this is a rare event as it usually gets cut down when I am vigorously pruning the entwined tayberry!

Creative Working and Checking Out the Boss

I need to generate an income.  I romantically imagine that I could have multiple income streams as mentioned in one of my mountains of self help books.  At the moment just one income stream would do.

Job seeking, I was surprised to see an advert for pub catering staff in a local paper this week.  From my experience good jobs rarely get advertised unless they are in the teaching profession.  They were looking for people ranging from cooks and chefs to assistants and apprentices.  I did get my City and Guilds Cookery Certificate (albeit many years ago) and I cook on a daily basis, so I thought a job as a kitchen assistant would do as my 'good enough' job and I could do freelance writing in my spare time.  I was buoyed up with renewed enthusiasm after having a miserable few days.  Yes!  I could have my cake and eat it!

Anyway, I emailed the pub for more information regarding the roles, rates of pay, hours of work etc and waited for a response. I didn't get a reply so I emailed again and was given a mobile phone number to contact them 'to discuss.'  Such is the advantage of social media today, it is quite easy to see if people are on twitter or facebook.  Before contacting them again, I tracked this person down on twitter.  Their tweets were few but contained images of the porn his father had been sent in the post and part of the male anatomy tattooed as an elephant head complete with trunk!  I am so glad that I found out more about this person before phoning 'to discuss'!

So, it doesn't look like I am going to get a job as a kitchen assistant anytime soon.  I do have a sense of humour but would not want to work for anyone who sends out explicit tweets.  I would not be able to respect them as a boss and would not feel comfortable working for them.  I think I had a lucky escape.