Monday, 1 June 2015

Ennui

*Clematis

A few posts back a reader said that she hadn't been commenting on blog posts because of ennui.  I had no idea what ennui meant so looked it up to find that it means 'a feeling of being bored and mentally tired caused by having nothing interesting or exciting to do.' (Source here)  I can relate to this and have felt this way for more years than I care to remember.

As a self motivator I am constantly looking for things to do. A lot of the time I am bored witless and clutch at anything that first sparks my interest. This is limiting though because I don't have an income.  I mainly look for sources of inspiration on pinterest and on other peoples blogs.  I know that I need to find employment to fill the void in my life but am clueless on what I can do.  After being out of the work environment for more than 16 years my confidence is at an all time low.  I wasn't that confident even when I was young and slim and winging it through the day. 

I have been holding off working until my son finishes his education.  I haven't wanted to cause any disruption in his life through these critical years of study.  I did terribly at school and didn't want him to repeat the pattern.  Anyway, he assures me that he can do perfectly OK should I wish to start back at work.  The problem is what DO I do?  Most fairly paid jobs require an education to degree level which I don't have.  I can't return to study as I don't have the finances.  I did do voluntary work at the vineyard for 3 years hoping that it would lead to some form of employment at the end before realising that was just a government ploy to get people working for nothing.

A few days ago whilst 'job searching' I found a job for an Activities Coordinator in a care home.  The description was to keep residents happy and occupied by giving them various social and recreational activities to take part in and building up a stock of social events and hobby equipment.  I thought the job seemed ideal fulfilling the 'caring' part in me and giving me the challenge of sourcing fun activities for the residents.  I really want a job where I feel I make a valued contribution and have job satisfaction and this seemed to tick all the boxes.  I spent a whole day researching activities to do with Alzheimer and Dementia patients and became increasingly despondent as the day went on.  Apparently the attention span of someone with Alzheimer's is about 15 minutes, they would need to be closely monitored when (button sorting) for instance in case they tried to eat them and were given 'activities' such as folding washing to keep them occupied.  No chance of me teaching them how to zentangle then?!!!  On a serious note, I don't think I would have the patience or expertise to work with  groups of people with varying degrees of  mental health issues.  I would probably have to take out a risk assessment for everything I planned to organise for them and ultimately be responsible for any mishaps. 

So, each day I flounder halfheartedly looking for jobs that don't interest me, feeling guilty, feeling sad, wondering of what use I can be whilst my husband bangs on about me living with my head in the clouds and not living in the real World.

*Clematis in my back garden.  To see this is a rare event as it usually gets cut down when I am vigorously pruning the entwined tayberry!

7 comments:

greenrabbitdesigns said...

Don't despair Simone, I'm sure the 'right' thing for you will come along, perhaps when you're not looking for it.
V x

Judy Hartman said...

Hello, Simone! I must say that, after visiting someone recently in a "care home" and seeing arts and crafts done by the residents, I think it would be a bit depressing to work in such a place. Maybe you should focus on doing something that makes you excited when you wake up in the morning - even if it isn't the highest pay level. I worked in a fabric store for a while (for obvious reasons!) and in a picture framing gallery also because it was so great to be around artwork all the time. I wish you, as always, success in your journey, but most of all, I wish you happiness.
Judy xo

Rosie said...

Oh, Simone I feel for you and do wish that you can find something you would like to do, that would interest you and stir your imagination. I think the care home would depress you too much. I know you would like an decent salary but it is better to be in a job that you feel comfortable with, working with like minded people than to earn lots of money. I do hope you find something soon, that special job is waiting just around the corner:)

Helen Philipps said...

I hope you find a job you like to do, soon too, Simone. you have lots of skills to draw on.....like baking and gardening and crafting...something will turn up for you one day. Love the pretty clematis, such a gorgeous colour.
Helen xox

Ethel Johnson said...

I once did voluntary work at a charity donation centre...sorting clutter was very therapeutic. Perhaps try volunteering again as a stop gap and ennui cure?
(Ironic that I can't rhyme 'ennui') xx

Lisa said...

Good luck wth the job hunting. As someone who has changed job twice recently because of being very unhappy I understand that you want something which interests you. I hope you find the thing that fits the bill.
Lisa x

Anne Butera said...

Oh, Simone, I wish I had some words of wisdom for you here. Not an easy situation to figure out.

I wonder if there are career centers in your area that you could visit and get some assistance matching possibilities with your skills.

Wishing you all the best.