A few posts back a reader said that she hadn't been commenting on blog posts because of ennui. I had no idea what ennui meant so looked it up to find that it means 'a feeling of being bored and mentally tired caused by having nothing interesting or exciting to do.' (Source here) I can relate to this and have felt this way for more years than I care to remember.
As a self motivator I am constantly looking for things to do. A lot of the time I am bored witless and clutch at anything that first sparks my interest. This is limiting though because I don't have an income. I mainly look for sources of inspiration on pinterest and on other peoples blogs. I know that I need to find employment to fill the void in my life but am clueless on what I can do. After being out of the work environment for more than 16 years my confidence is at an all time low. I wasn't that confident even when I was young and slim and winging it through the day.
I have been holding off working until my son finishes his education. I haven't wanted to cause any disruption in his life through these critical years of study. I did terribly at school and didn't want him to repeat the pattern. Anyway, he assures me that he can do perfectly OK should I wish to start back at work. The problem is what DO I do? Most fairly paid jobs require an education to degree level which I don't have. I can't return to study as I don't have the finances. I did do voluntary work at the vineyard for 3 years hoping that it would lead to some form of employment at the end before realising that was just a government ploy to get people working for nothing.
A few days ago whilst 'job searching' I found a job for an Activities Coordinator in a care home. The description was to keep residents happy and occupied by giving them various social and recreational activities to take part in and building up a stock of social events and hobby equipment. I thought the job seemed ideal fulfilling the 'caring' part in me and giving me the challenge of sourcing fun activities for the residents. I really want a job where I feel I make a valued contribution and have job satisfaction and this seemed to tick all the boxes. I spent a whole day researching activities to do with Alzheimer and Dementia patients and became increasingly despondent as the day went on. Apparently the attention span of someone with Alzheimer's is about 15 minutes, they would need to be closely monitored when (button sorting) for instance in case they tried to eat them and were given 'activities' such as folding washing to keep them occupied. No chance of me teaching them how to zentangle then?!!! On a serious note, I don't think I would have the patience or expertise to work with groups of people with varying degrees of mental health issues. I would probably have to take out a risk assessment for everything I planned to organise for them and ultimately be responsible for any mishaps.
So, each day I flounder halfheartedly looking for jobs that don't interest me, feeling guilty, feeling sad, wondering of what use I can be whilst my husband bangs on about me living with my head in the clouds and not living in the real World.
*Clematis in my back garden. To see this is a rare event as it usually gets cut down when I am vigorously pruning the entwined tayberry!
