Monday, 1 May 2017

Just a Job

I feel I am climbing a mountain right now.  Having returned to work after more than 19 years a lot of old insecurities have been re-surfacing.  I am not ready to divulge what I do as a job other than to say it is in the service industry and completely different to the office based work I did before.  Part of me feels like I never left work but the other part of me says 'what have you done for the past two decades?'  The most difficult thing to get my head around is how quickly the years have passed.  I am sad for all the lost opportunities in my life and the fact that I couldn't find a way to make it on my own as self-employed.

I grieve for my old life.  I feel that part of me has died but on the upside I feel that part of me has been re-energised and reborn.  When I started my new job I wanted to throw it all in after two days.  I told my line manager that I couldn't hack it and wasn't sure if I would be back after the weekend.  I had been having sleepless nights even before starting the job, waking up every hour and dreaming about the job all the time in between.  My anxiety levels were through the roof with upset stomach, dry mouth, uncontrollable crying and a fear of going to bed being unable to sleep.

Two weeks on, I am settling down more in my job.  It is just a job.  I must keep repeating this mantra to myself.  I must learn to switch off when I am not there.  During my free time at home I have been watching YouTube videos for inspiration and insight and some of the messages on there came to me at just the right time.  Here is one such message from Travis Barton although I have not quoted it exactly as he said it:

'If I choose to do what is easy right now, life will continue to be difficult, but if I do what is difficult right now , life is going to be easy.'

On this occasion I have opted for the difficult option.  I could have easily chucked the job in but I would be back to square one again looking for employment.  The work is getting easier.  It is tiring and I often feel emotional as it is not how I ever envisioned my career path to go, but it is a job.  It is just a job and I am lucky to be back in employment after such a long break.

8 comments:

crafty cat corner said...

I was never good at working. Luckily I didn't have to work but chose to on a few occasions. I did office work (boring), factory work (boring), shop work...fish and chip, card shop, dry cleaners, hardware and chocolate shop. all very boring because when I was working I was thinking of all the things I could have been doing at home. lol
The worst job I had was working for American Express, this lasted a whole 1 year and I hated every minute of it.
Briony
x

greenrabbitdesigns said...

Yes Simone it is just a job and if push came to shove you could leave but give it time and just put it in the 'job box' . When you walk out the door forget about it until you walk back in again and between 'work times' then its 'you' time.
V x

Judy Hartman said...

I worked in a fabric store several years ago, Simone, and, although that might sound like fun, it wasn't. I had a very strange "boss" who taught me nothing but expected me to know everything about the store, the classes and the sewing machines for sale.
I think every job is hard when we start out, especially after being away from the work force for a long time. Don't forget - you were raising a son during those years and taking care of your husband.
I hope that at least some of the money you make will be yours to use as you please. Treat yourself.

Wishing you all the best. It will get easier as time passes, if you choose to stay. xxx

Rosie said...

I completely understand how you feel, Simone. I worked from the age of 16 until I was about 56 with no breaks. I then left working for a while but when my husband left his teaching job through stress we both had to find other work and we worked on and off at peak times for Royal Mail re-directing letters that couldn't be read by the machines. I had to force myself to get there each morning from 4a.m. to 2p.m. but it gradually got easier and so will your job too, I hope. Just keep going day by day and enjoy your free time, being in a new job is such a hard thing to do so take things easy and treat yourself occasionally. I hope things get better for you:)

KC'sCourt! said...

I was never really good at work. I hated being there. Personal reasons where I don't want to go to here, it was a job pre-children. In recent years I have worked in a post office, and a craft shop which was a wonderful job where I was in my element but I just didn't really want to be there.

Your foot is in the door on the job front so if there is a nicer job on the horizon it may be easier to get.

Julie xxxxxxx

Ethel Johnson said...

But you've done it! Hoping you're over the worst...onward and upwards. xx

Helen Philipps said...

You are brave for sticking it out Simone, and I am glad it is getting easier. Wishing you lots of luck on this new path.
Helen xox

wherethejourneytakesme said...

It is completely normal to feel all the things you are feeling Simone when you return to work after a number of years at home - it is taking you out of your comfort zone and this always raises anxiety levels. I felt exactly the same - for the first two weeks I just dragged myself home and could hardly make a meal. I have been there for 17 years now! Keep going for a while so that you can judge more objectively if it is really for you or not - the tiredness you feel will begin to go as you start to get the hang of the job and this builds your confidence and makes the whole experience less daunting. There is often a positive and negative side to working so I would say give it a fair chance - it is hard to give up all those little pleasures of being at home but remember how much you wanted to work when you were at home - and soon you will find time to do other things again when you fall into a routine. Oops sorry this has turned out a bit of an essay! I am thinking of you and wishing you well. xxx Viv